February 14th, 2013 was not a very good day for me. At five o'çlock in the afternoon I got in my car and made my way to Columbus, Indiana. There would be no intimate dinner, there would be no wishes for a Happy Valentine's day. There was nothing to be thankful for, their was no husband or partner to spend the evening with. There were memories, haunting memories of a life I was leaving. For the last five years I had lived in the home I was now evicted from. I was homeless. My husband or partner or whatever he was had left in October of 2012, he left having not paid the rent or bills, he left knowing I was in declining health. He left after his lies had become so apparent to others that he had nowhere to turn anymore.
I was with Bob Hunt for 23 years. Most people would consider that a milestone. I did and worked tirelessly to try and preserve that time we had both spent together. But in the end, when he walked out the door in October 2012 I felt very little. I remember calling my therapist the afternoon he left and telling her he was gone, I remember telling her that earlier in the afternoon I had discovered his shoplifting from an artist friend. I remember her response, a gasp, then silence. I remember her earlier warnings about the behavior of a sociopath, ¨they will try to set you up, they will try to take the focus off of themselves by getting their victim into trouble.¨ Sociopaths need someone to blame, they are constitutionally incapable of taking responsibility for themselves or their actions. Their lives, their chaotic life, constructed of intricate lies and deception is always someone elses fault. The sociopath spends hours plotting revenge, plotting their next move, their next retribution for the slights they have received real or perceived.
When, as I experienced many times, the uncovering of a lie, I would endure horrific rage. That rage from Bob would and did take many forms. He would destroy my belongings, he would smash furniture, dishes anything in his way. He would begin the verbal assaults, the taunts, he would tell me how worthless I was, that on one liked me, that I was the reason we had no friends. He would mock the things I did, my family, what few friends I did have that had stuck by me despite their complete disdain for Bob and his behavior and my continually making excuses for him as he ruthlessly continued his assault and deconstruction of me.
Probably the most painful of these was not the repeated beatings I took physically from Bob, but the emotional torture and belittlement he cast on me. When there were indications in early 2012 that I was facing a health crisis Bob did not, as usual, offer any kind of support to me. I had always known, always, many years ago, that if I ever became ill I would not be able to count on Bob. You see in the mind and world of a sociopath if the focus is not on them they become angry. Bob became angry, he treated me like I was burdensome to him. He never asked simple questions like how are you feeling and would become angry if I was tired or not feeling well. I, in turn tried my hardest to compensate by continuing on and making believe nothing was wrong. I did this to the detriment of my health, I did this to maintain calm but I was never successful.
I had been told in the spring of 2012 by my doctor that the stress that I was living in was killing me. I was told that I had to break free of the domestic violence in order to preserve my health. The doctors had told me that the biggest obstacles I faced were in my relationship with Bob, that I lived with an abuser, a violent abuser and it was killing me. All through 2012 there was fear of my having bone cancer. I remember having an appointment with a specialist to discuss course of action, I remember asking Bob to be with me, he told me to go alone. The horrible realization that someone cares so little for you and your wellbeing is sobering and sad. Bob did end up going to that appointment with me but he did not hide his disdain for being there. He had other, more important things to do, he repeatedly made me aware of that, he repeatedly made the specialist aware of that, he attempted to rush the appointment, an appointment that had taken six months to get. In the end, the specialist made specific note of Bob's behavior, he communicated it to my primary physician. The specialist was so appalled at Bob's behavior that he refused to see me again if Bob attended the appointment. All of this further solidified to my doctors that Bob was horribly abusive toward me.
I knew in the summer of 2012 that Bob was planning something. I knew from his behavior that he was building a persona on Twitter, Facebook and various gay sex sites. He had done it before, he did it in 2008. Then he gathered support online by weaving a tale of his being in a bad relationship and having no where to go. I knew the signs and I knew the pattern all too well. You see it is easy to manipulate information when people are not around you on a daily basis, Bob is good at that, he is also a good liar and can make anyone believe him. He comes across with the utmost sincerity and kindliness, but behind that is a mind that is working full throttle to figure you out, your weak spot, what he can use to to groom you and draw you in to ultimately take advantage of you and get what you have that he wants. Bob kept me away from a double life he created. A life of lies and fabrications so he could manipulate others into his false tale. For years he carried on a false life, a hidden fantasy that only others saw, and all those people never thought to seek clarification or verification. Had they, they would have seen the real Bob, a manipulative, lying person who uses people as pawns in his ongoing game of deceit.
This is what a sociopath does. They scope the victim out, they groom the victim well, they mirror whatever the victim needs and once ensnared the sociopath has complete control to do whatever they want. The sociopath's victims can be anyone, anyone who has something they need at any given time. Not all victims are victims for very long. In Bob's case he groomed people for simple needs like sex, sex is something Bob craves, he doesn't care where it comes from as long as he is able to have it, whenever and wherever he wants. He will groom people for it, he will hunt for it in public places, in alleys and restrooms, he has been arrested for doing just that, hunting for sex. It is more of the risk taking, the predatory nature of the sociopath, how much can I get for myself.
On a more grand scale the sociopath will spend a great deal of time plotting to groom a victim. Once inside the victim's life they have free access to everything about them, everything. Things, like in my case, will begin to disappear. At first small things, things that could easily be explained as being lost. Then the more daring behavior emerges, bigger more valuable things begin to disappear. The sociopath craves the risk taking, it is exhilarating to them. When questioned the sociopath will deny there is a problem and gaslight the victim into believing they have lost the item or misplaced the item. Sometimes the sociopath will find the item restoring faith in them so they can continue the assault quietly and uninterrupted.
Sociopaths play games with emotions, they will outwardly strive to make you feel inferior and then use fleeting displays of intimacy to restore themselves. It is intimacy the victim wants but will never really have, it, like everything with the sociopath is an illusion. The sociopath provides just enough intimacy at crucial times to make the victim believe they are needed and wanted, it reinforces the trust that the world is alright. The sad thing is that the victim buys into this, they have been so worn down into believing they are not worthy that these small, fleeting displays of affection are monumental to them. They stay hooked in, they stay believing everything will get better, it never does.
In my case with Bob history repeated itself over and over and over again. In the early years he would go through the motions of having a good relationship. He was never intimate but he played the part. I remained isolated from his family, there were times I did attempt to tell them what was happening but true to form their illusion, like Bob's that they are perfect ended with nothing. As time went on people who were close to me raised their voices and concern for me. I would always come up with excuses for Bob and his behavior. I would always explain it away. I now know how frustrating it was to the people who cared about me, the people who warned me, the people who feared for my safety. I know now that Bob was unfaithful to me early on in our relationship, his insatiable need for anonymous sex was occurring early on, I had been warned, but I chose to view him through rose colored glasses. In those early years Bob was easy to love, he was easy to be around and we had fun, many fun times. Times he chooses to forget.
After Bob left in 2012 and his dark other life began to surface it was as if 22 years of red flags all came together to validate that what I had been through was very real. He really had secret bank accounts to steal my money, he really had use of my private information to impersonate me, he really stole and converted my private property, family treasures. He really stole from other people, he really shoplifted (for a long time,) he really forged signatures of mine and others. He did all those things, he did them without remorse and if you asked him today, if you caught him today and presented him with the clear evidence that he had done all those things he would deny it, first he would just deny it, then if you pressured him you be able to see him becoming nervous and agitated. Then you would experience the rage. Then you would experience the his wrath, his destruction. He might tamper with your car, he might do something to your animal or other property. He might lurk around your home to sabotage something, he will try to get back at you because you found him out.
In 2008 I had dealt with so much of Bob's instability I didn't think it could get worse. We were napping one afternoon and he began sobbing uncontrollably, I was scared for him, when I asked him what was wrong, as I held him, still wanting him t be alright, all he kept repeating was ¨I am a horrible person, I have done such bad things.¨ It was not until Bob was gone in 2012 and into 2013 that I learned just how horrible the things are that Bob did to me and others. Heinous things. I hoped that day that there was a chance, a small chance that Bob would change, that he would get the help he needed. Two weeks later he suffocated and killed our standard poodle, Hermione, in cold blood, he murdered the dog on the living room floor and buried her in the back yard with a shovel he borrowed from a neighbor. Hermione has now been removed from that backyard, she has, what was left, been cremated and properly put to rest, the victim of someone very cruel and sick. I knew that day, as I watched this horrible thing happen that I was not safe, if someone can murder a defenseless animal in need of help, then they can do terrible things, horrible things. I still cannot drive by that address on North Evanston Avenue in Indianapolis.
I recieved a message from the owner of Royal Bike Taxi that I needed to stop being bitter! Most people would not see this as being bitter. I am not bitter at all, I am saddened that people like Bob exist in the world. I am saddened for people like Bob. They know no joy, they know no happiness, they have no peace. They never will have any of that, they are incapable of having any of those things and of feeling love. I am struck by the onslaught of social media postings from Bob and Keith, their constant need to prove themselves and their love to the world. In real relationships the only ones needing to prove commitment and love are the two in the relationship, if you have to show the world and seek acceptance then you have nothing, nothing.
This Valentines Day I am making dinner for someone in my life who is very special. He is someone who loves and cares for me. He is someone who unconditionally loves me, allows me to be me and has above all else, understood where I have been and gives me the room and time to begin to trust again. He is someone who knows that he has to show those around me, who also love me, that he truly has my interests at heart. He is someone who has committed to be by my side even though he knows I am terminally ill. He is an pretty incredible man and I am forever blessed he came into my life.
This Valentines Day I find myself able to manage the trauma that I lived with for many years, I find myself around amazing people who have come into my life in the last year. I am loved, I am needed and I am validated for being the kind man I always was. I have traveled a path the last year that no one should ever have to travel, it was the culmination of years of heartache and misery spent with someone who never loved me. I may not have a long life in front of me, but the time I do have will be spent surrounded by people who cherish me and the man I am.
