This website is invaluable, it has given me insight and helped me to understand the denial process I was under and the things I dismissed in dealing with my sociopath;
Hi Drewe, I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond. How harsh it is when somebody cruelly rips away your world, and then leaves you with nothing it is so hard to rebuild your life. Do you have friends and family around you for support? Or was that taken away from you too? I am sorry to hear your story, and will add it to the my story page. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. There are millions of people who have been through the same thing. If nothing else, despite he left you dependent on him, you can at least have peace of mind now. There is no more abuse. From this, there are can only bring healing this is not a reflection on you, or your self worth. I understand PTSD. I was diagnosed severe chronic which took me years to come out of the other side of trauma. That alone can be difficult to cope with.
Morning, thank you so much for the reply. It is interactions with people who "get it" as my dear friend Jenni White (Director of Adult Services at Coburn Place in Indianapolis) says.
The losses I am dealing with are difficult. Of all of the losses, the one that has been the most difficult was the loss of my dogs. I had the option of sending them to a shelter that would make sure they were safe and I could have them back when I was ready. The only problem was that they would not guarantee they would be kept together. I sent them with a "friend" to Louisville who promised to keep them together. Instead, he lied to me and gave them away and split them up. Those animals were my life.
Writing is helping, therapy is helping. No contact has been a good thing, it has allowed my true feelings to come out. Finding your blog was a great help, so much, all of what I have read has given me insight and validated the way I feel and the way I have been treated. It mirrors my life. Bob knew that. He posted on Twitter that I was doing it to hurt him, typical sociopath.
I was never worried about my physical safety. Everyone else was, but not me. I was fearful when Bob was out of control and psychotic, but in general no. I think it was, I know it was my denial. Several months ago I attended a meeting hosted by a man here in Indy that has opened a treatment center for drug abuse and serves those with HIV. He made a comment that turned on a light in my head. He said that HIV/AIDS patients function with a distinct level if denial, it is what allows them to function on a daily basis. It allows them to create as much normalcy in their lives as possible. I found the comment could
apply to me, my situation. My denial allowed me to function while Bob was still in my life. While it was not optimal functioning and eventually was a negative for me, it kept me on a level of functioning most of the time. I also was not as adept at recognizing the pathology. While I was, at time concerned about the anti social aspect of Bob's behavior, I never connected it with being a sociopath. Perhaps that was my denial also.
Bob took anything and everything that meant anything to me. He took friends, he did that by playing the victim and painting a dour picture of me so that my relationships would falter. He took "things" from me. He took my self worth, my self esteem from me. I was continually "gaslighted" told I was imagining things, told I was sick and the one with the problems. I was constantly beaten down by a sick sadistic predator.
I have been fortunate to make friends, but I tread lightly and trust is a huge issue for me at this point. I am learning to trust my intuition again, if my crazy meter goes off I remove myself and have no contact with people who trigger my uneasiness.
I am at a critical stage where all of the past is beginning to make sense. I am replaying the the last 22 years with Bob, it, at times seems so unreal, like a bad movie. I remember sitting last summer with Bob, he wanted to watch "I love you Phillip Morris." I sat and watched the film becoming more and more uneasy. I was watching my relationship with Bob. A sick sadistic relationship that made me nervous and scared. I remember going to bed that night, looking at Bob, holding my dogs tight and being afraid of the future, afraid of the past, it was all making sense. I remember the feeling of hopelessness, the feeling of being trapped with someone who was crazy and unstable. I knew I needed to get out, I didn't know how. I am now able to look back at that time, that very difficult time, I had doctors and therapists telling me to get out, to save myself. My denial was still strong and allowed me to function.
I am at a critical stage where the severity of Bob's personality has become clear to me. A sharp, undistorted, crisp view, I liken it to a beautiful morning with a shimmering blue sky. That view scares me. That view puts fear in me, fear for my safety, fear of Bob, fear of Bob's family. I am not entirely convinced that Bob will not continue to try and harm me. I maintained contact to make sure he was far away, a safe buffer zone; but again denial played a large part, Bob has lived up to every expectation I had of him, at points I knew, others were quick to see, not me. I am scared because I understand how twisted the relationship is, or was, and I know from my work that it never truly ends until someone dies. I hope that is not me.
I had in the beginning I been in contact with The Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project in Boston. Initially there was concern over my physical safety and plans were discussed to relocate me. As my physical health deteriorated from stress it was thought best for me to stay near the doctors who were treating me. I am, again, faced with the prospect of relocation. My dearest friend lives in Savannah as do others I know, however, Bob is there, making a return to Savannah impossible. Another case of his allowing me to be alienated from those who care about me.
I am sure Bob will continue his assault in some way. The issue is how? I have begun to out him and sociopaths don't like to be outed, it makes them angry. In outing him I am hoping that my story will reach those he is setting up for victimization now. He is, as a good sociopath, constantly scoping out empathic people to destroy.
I hope we can have a dialog, I don't want what has happened to me to happen to another human being, ever! I know that it will, but if my story is told and others see it and internalize it then someone, even if just one someone can be helped then it has been for good'
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