I have been asked why, why are you doing this? This is, in its simplest form, unloading my feelings about my relationship with Bob over the last 22 years.
In a deeper sense this is about my understanding. Understanding why I fell in love with Bob. Understanding why I chose not to pay attention to the situations that spoke volumes about what the future would bring. Understanding Bobs sick need to play such horrible games with people’s lives. Understanding my need for Bob to get better, understanding my need for wanting Bob to have a better life. Understanding why I didn't listen to doctors much earlier when told Bob was not going to improve, that I should understand he would get worse, much worse.
Last Thursday night I was having dinner at Ivy’s with a group of friends. I was recognized by the first physician Bob and I had in Indianapolis. He came to the table to ask how I was; I was with a group of fourteen so I excused myself and moved away from the table to talk. He put his arms around me and said, "You did everything you could, you know that". I just looked at him, tears welling in my eyes. He told me he had heard that Bob had skipped town owing a lot of money, he knew about the shoplifting, he knew how seriously ill I had been. He went back to the time before Bob left in 2008. I remember the day I sat sobbing in this man’s office because Bob was unraveling again. He told me that day to leave, get out. He told me that he had refused to see Bob because nothing was going to help him. Over the year after he stopped seeing this doctor Bob went to at last three different doctors, all discontinued treatment, all for the same reasons. Nothing was going to help, not love, not support, not stability, not caring, not medication, nothing, nothing was going to help Bob. Everybody saw the seriousness, but I continued on thinking it would get better, it got much worse.
So, when I am asked why I am going over it all again it is because I need closure. I was told not to expect closure from Bob, which will never happen. I have asked Bob many times to talk so that we can close our relationship. He would only say, “We will someday.” It is to late now. I know that Bob thinks everybody else is to blame, he always has.
In putting this to paper I am releasing it, I am gaining a better understanding of the why and how things came to be. In the past two weeks I have met some incredible people, people who have suffered through and come out the other side of the manipulation deceit, fear and isolation the sociopath creates. Its funny, Bob used to repeatedly tell me that nobody liked me, when he left I had maybe five friends on Facebook, today I have I have many. Those people like me, enjoy me and count me as a good friend, a well intentioned friend. When Bob left I had a Twitter account, now I have three. For the first time in a long time I am me, the guy that got marked and lost his life, his whole life, to a sociopath.
So, when will I stop? I can't answer that, it will end when it ends. This is process, a process I must go through. I've been told its going to be painful. So far the most painful thing has been the realization and acceptance that the person I loved and knew was incapable of love, was an illusion, a chameleon that changed as he needed to satisfy himself.
Will I ever forget what has happened, no. Will I ever forgive what has happened, no. Will I ever be able to tell Bob I love him and hope he has a nice life, no. Will I ever trust anything Bob has ever told me, no. I thank everyone who has taken the time to view these entries. For now I will continue, knowing that I will make it to the other side.
This is a wonderful quote from an amazing woman, it is fitting for all that is my world now ...
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
― Maya Angelou
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